My Uncle Died of That...

A Handy List of What Not to Say (And What to Say) to Support a Divorcing Friend

When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, one of the first friends she told said to her, 

“Oh, multiple myeloma? My uncle died of that.” 

It became a running punchline for us  (the humor in my house was of a dark variety): the exact wrong thing to say in any given situation. 

What follows is kind of like the divorce version of that. 

———

The inevitable odds are that you likely know someone who either has gotten divorced, is going through one, or will at some point in the future. And you want to be a good friend, but sometimes it’s hard to know what to say, right? Of course it depends on how close you are to this friend, but let’s start with a little list of things NOT to say.

1. “Oh, you’re so lucky. You get every other weekend off.”

Ok, so I fully acknowledge and embrace that there are benefits to the ‘every other weekend’ schedule, and I understand that to a busy mom with kids and a husband always vying for her time and attention, it may appear that divorced parents who have custody of their kids every other weekend are living the dream.

However, there is a difficult reality that faces every parent who gets a divorce. You must now accept the fact that your child/ren no longer live with you full time. As an introvert (an extroverted introvert, but still at my core I crave time alone to recharge), I have learned to lean into the quiet. I find things to do to balance my time. Before the pandemic I spent a lot of time with friends. And although it’s more difficult now, I’ve tried to continue to do so while remaining socially distant and safe. Because I have my own business there is always work that needs to be done on the weekends, and often there are so many things I can’t get done during the week because I’m busy with work and mom responsibilities. Or exhaustion. But it took a while for the guilt of not being with my daughter to subside (and I’m pretty sure it’s not ever going to completely go away).

I am extremely fortunate that my daughter has a wonderful relationship with her father and loves to spend time with him, and that he’s a great dad and I trust him, so I know she’s in good hands when she’s with him, being well cared for emotionally and physically. We also work very hard to communicate and put her needs first, which helps tremendously (I cannot stress highly enough how important, and unfortunately rare, I have learned this is). 

But for my divorced friends whose children have strained relationships with a parent, it can be brutal to know they have to send their kids off to an environment they have no control over. They can’t be there to protect them from situations they would never be ok with. And sadly, I know many situations where police have to be called just to get the kids into the other parents’ car. 

So, if you’re thinking that getting every other weekend off sounds like an amazing break, please understand that for some people it’s filled with stress and anxiety. 

2. “I totally know how you feel as a single mother. My husband travels a lot for work.” 

Yeah, no. You don’t. I’m not saying that it isn’t tough for you to manage the kids on your own when he’s gone, or that you don’t miss him. But it’s not at all the same thing. And please do not refer to yourself as a ‘work widow’ to someone who has just gone through a divorce (or worse, a death). If you must, complain to your friends whose husbands don’t travel. Being married, you can’t really speak to what it’s like to be newly single, so this is one of those situations where the rule ‘bitch out, not in’ applies.  

Here’s a way to put it in perspective: Being 100% responsible 50% of the time, is not the same as being 50% responsible 100% of the time. 

While being a single mother is difficult for all the reasons you think it would be: managing your children alone, keeping a home running with all the details that entails and no other adult to help you — Is it time to clean the gutters? Refinance the mortgage? Pay the taxes? And what is that unsettling scratching noise coming from the attic? — Along with becoming the sole snow shoveler, light bulb changer and toilet unclogger, you are now also the bug and mouse killer. Feeling like the last line of defense in case you get really tired, or sick, or need 5 minutes to just breathe by yourself. Being responsible for cleaning up all the messes, broken glass, etc. Believe it or not, after a while you pretty much get used to that.

What is way more difficult, and what people don’t tend to talk about, is the crippling fear so many divorced women feel. Divorce often leads to a change in lifestyle, sometimes a drastic one, and many women may for the first time be financially responsible to plan on their own for a future, often without any experience to do so, and sometimes with little or no financial support. Everything from paying the rent or mortgage to keeping food on the table to paying for a doctor’s visit to sending the kids to camp to buying their soccer cleats to saving for college can become a big dark cloud that hovers over everything. 

Because, even though every situation is different, I know way too many divorced women who are owed child support or alimony or funds for shared expenses, but don’t get it, and their choice is to fight with their ex-husbands, and when that doesn’t work pay a lawyer money they don’t have to go back to court, or suck it up and just deal with it. (And for the record, you pointing out to them that they ‘should’ be getting x, y, and z may be true, but it likely isn’t helpful.)

And if your husband travels for work, he’s still coming back home and sharing his paycheck with the family, right? So while you may have the best of intentions comparing your situations, it can come off as insensitive, minimizing what she’s going through. 

3. “So, what happened, why did your marriage fail?”

Once when I was very pregnant, I was shopping for organic milk at Whole Foods (this was in the days before the mylk aisle was longer than a runway), and a kind looking lady came up to me and put her hand on my very round belly. So I touched her cheek. She stepped back, surprised, but really, what was the difference? Divorce is like pregnancy. Everyone feels entitled to touch the belly. But if it’s not your belly, you don’t get to decide who touches it. Boundaries. Respect them.

And can we please stop talking about marriages that end as a failure? Some things aren’t meant to last forever, especially if the relationship was toxic or narcissistic, or even dangerous. But even more importantly, your friend already feels awful, and the last thing she needs is to think that everyone is judging her.

A few years ago when my daughter was about 7-years-old, I took her to a friend’s birthday party, and a few of the moms stayed to help and chat. While dodging screaming children bounding in and out of an extremely sketchy looking bounce house, and trying to avoid being smeared in red frosting from the decorate-your-own angry birds cupcake carnage, a woman I had vaguely known for years because our kids were in school together but really had never had a conversation with, asked me why I was getting a divorce and what had gone wrong in my marriage.

That was years ago, and since then, thanks to a very good therapist and killer anti-anxiety meds, I have done a lot of boundary work, and my answer now would be very different than it was then. I mumbled something about long-story-and-he-was-a-good-man-and-father-but-um-not-the-right-husband-for-me-and-um-sometimes-things-don’t-work-out, and then I felt awful that I had said anything at all. I realize now that I felt vulnerable and trapped, and the good girl in me thought I had to answer. But I didn’t owe her an explanation, and frankly it was inappropriate of her to ask.

I mean honestly, how would you feel if someone you barely knew came up to you in a crowded place with your children nearby, and asked you some intimate question about your relationship, like, “so, how often do you give your husband blow jobs?” Marriages and relationships are complicated, and there is never one simple reason why it doesn’t work out. By the time a couple have decided to divorce, so much has happened. They’ve likely been through some therapy, they’ve weighed the consequences for their children and themselves, they feel the disappointment from their families and friends. It can’t be boiled down to a simple answer. And if you’re asking because your own marriage is unstable and you’re hoping for some words of wisdom, then you need to hear this — you knowing THE REASON her marriage ended won’t save yours.

But let’s say you are close enough to your friend to ask that question. When you do, please make sure it’s not within earshot of your children or hers. And under all circumstances do not talk about your friend’s marriage in front of your children. You may think they’re not listening, but they are. Reverse the situation: how would you feel if she was discussing your most intimate marital issues with or near her 7-year-old. It’s inappropriate. Don’t do it.

One day, at the very beginning of our separation when we were still living together and had told almost no one, not even our daughter yet, I was taking a walk with one of my closest friends. She told me that she had watched Mrs. Doubtfire with her daughter, my daughter’s best friend, and that her super smart and astute kindergartener drew a connection from the separated family in the movie to her bestie’s parents. I was immediately angry, and my dazed senses snapped to attention. I stopped walking and looked her in the eye.

“Robin, how does your daughter know we’re separated?” 

She looked a little sheepish. “Well, you know kids pick up on things.”

“Your 5-year-old cannot possibly know what’s going on in my marriage. My daughter doesn’t even know yet.” 

Again, I asked her, “how does she know? Are you talking about us in front of her?”

She looked really uncomfortable. “Well... little kids have big ears,” she said. 

“Their ears aren't that big. If you’re talking about it when she’s within earshot, then of course she’s going to hear and pick up on it. I trusted you. I wouldn’t talk about your marriage around my 5-year-old, please don’t talk about mine in front of yours.”

She apologized, and said she supposed she had not been as careful as she should have been. 

Robin was a good friend whom I trusted, but her carelessness could have had very difficult consequences if her daughter had spoken to mine about it. If you are going through a divorce, you will likely need to be careful whom you tell at first and what you share, and you will not think it’s necessary because it should be obvious, but you will need to ask these people to not talk about it in front of their children — especially if their children are friends with your children.

———

So now you’re likely thinking, ‘Ok, Ms. Bossy Pants, what should I say?’

1. “I’m so sorry to hear that.” is a good place to start. Although I’ll add the caveat to choose your moment carefully and be sensitive to who is within earshot. When people have said that to me in front of my daughter I’ve often pushed it aside and said, “oh thanks, but it’s fine, we’re great.” It’s not that I don’t appreciate the recognition, and perhaps I’m being overly sensitive to her psyche, but I don’t want my daughter to feel like it’s this negative thing we need to feel badly about. “Congratulations!” in the right context can also be ok, but give your friend some time if she’s not yet ready to celebrate. 

2. “Do you want to talk?” If she says yes, listen. If she says no, respect her and don’t take it personally. But maybe just send a text every once in a while checking in and making sure she knows you are thinking about her. Or send a funny meme. She could definitely use a laugh. (Just please, not the kitty hanging onto the rope.)

3. Ask what you can do to help. But even better, since it’s often really hard for people who are vulnerable and overwhelmed to ask for or even know what they need, just do something. Covid makes this more difficult, but can you offer to take her kids on the days she needs to go to court? Can you send your house cleaner to her house one day instead of yours? Can you drop off dinner on a night she’s exhausted? Or send your husband or teenager to shovel her steps the next time it snows? Or maybe just bring her a little gift?

My cousin, whom I don’t think in our entire lives ever gave me a present, randomly sent me a weighted blanket recently, after a conversation in which he was explaining to me how his wife just got one and although it’s his idea of hell, she loves it. I said that sounded wonderful, being ensconced in blanket, and that was the end of the conversation. And then 2 weeks later, a weighted blanket showed up at my door. So generous. So sweet and thoughtful. When I called him after I received it, he said, “I didn’t know what to get, but I wanted to surprise you. What kind of presents do you normally like?” And honestly, I don’t remember the last time anyone asked me what was on my wish list. This is not a pity party, it’s just a reminder that your divorced friends, if they’re not in a relationship, may really appreciate a little something they wouldn’t buy for themselves.

———

I know, I’ve laid out a lot of do’s and don’t’s for you to chew on. But here’s the most important thing: The worst thing you can say is nothing. So even if what you do say isn’t perfect, it’s better to say or do something than pretend it’s not happening. Divorce can make even the strongest person feel isolated and like she doesn’t matter. And although you may be waiting for her cue, or trying to come up with just the right thing to do or say, all your friend knows is that she hasn’t heard from you, and it hurts.

Sometimes, the best you can do is to just show up and be present. Simply being a friend and letting her know you’re there to help can be enough. I promise, it will make a much bigger difference than you know.